He was big, he was bad, and now he’s dead.

It took until the fourth month of competition for the first contestants to score, but the 2008 His Daddy Death Pool has finally drawn first blood!

On April 5th, legendary screen actor Charlton Heston went the way of the Dodo and passed from this world. He was 84.

This game as great news to Roger and Guy, stiff competitors and the first players to score in the heated Death Pool. Both men receive 9 points each, as it occurred in the 4th month of the year.

Taking such a quick lead over other contestants who had picked sure-to-win celebs such as Any Winehouse and Britney Spears shocked most, though not all.

“Britney was on the rocks sure,” noted new leader Guy. “But come on — Heston looked like a walking corpse! When doing research for the Pool, I was shocked to find out he was still alive!”

The Death Pool runs until 11:59:59 on December 31st, 2008.

Current Scores:
Guy - 9
Roger - 9
Everyone else - 0

Note the even use of peace and aggression.

In the early 1980’s you looked like a pussy if you had an ACLU card. Loving the ACLU was equivalent to loving mass murderer rapists and picketing for their release.

These days, having an ACLU card is one half of what you need as a free American. If you don’t have an ACLU card and an NRA membership you are selling away huge parts of your Constitutional rights to people who really don’t care about you, and are more worried about profits than privacy.

Who’d have thunk it — the ACLU and the NRA being bunkmates on what it means to be American, but that’s where we are. The Senate (both dems AND repubs) want to spy on you without warrants. The current administration thinks that sending you $300 or less will shut you up.

Whatever happened to the good old days of giving me my gun, giving me my rights, and letting me decide what’s best for me and my family? You know, my rights of life, liberty, and property? Not like we see these days in the rights of Guantanamo, warrantless searches, and “Homeland Security.”

Even when the angels are bowling, they always keep their swords nearby, just in case.

I was watching my little nephew yesterday when it started to rain. Pretty soon followed thunder and lightning, and the little guy became scared.

“Don’t worry,” I told him, “It’s just the angels bowling in Heaven.”

“Thanks Uncle Dude,” he said. “I was very scared, but now I feel better.”

“Good, I’m glad.” I said. “But their bowling isn’t always a good thing.”

His tear-soaked little eyes looked up at me earnestly.

“Why?”

“Well,” I explained, “The angels bowl because they’re practicing for Armageddon. You see, at some point in the future, the angels are going to come down and kill us all. When they bowl, they’re practicing hurling huge balls of fire at pins that are shaped like men of all nations, so that they’ll be able to wipe out all of mankind. Then, they will wade through the piles of bodies shoving their swords into our hearts to make sure none of us are faking and that we’re all dead.”

My nephew started crying again.

“Shhhhh!” I warned him. “The angels hate crying, and if enough people cry at the same time they’ll come down and kill everybody! So never, ever cry!”

He then started to whimper, but that was better because I put him in bed to have a nap and I can’t hear whimpering from the TV room.

Famous people are going to die this year — can you guess which ones will go for it?

A death pool is where you pick three celebrities that you guess will die that calendar year. The person who picks the most celebrities win. As a tie-breaker, points are scored for the month in which the celebrity died. For example, if the celebrity dies in January, you get 12 points. In February, you get 11, all the way down to only 1 point in December.

We invited many HisDaddy.com regulars to share with us their 2008 Death Pool picks. Here they are:

Lamont - Fidel Castro, Mick Mars, Mary-Kate Olsen

Rockstar - Ric Ocasek, Ricky Schroder, Brian Dennehy

Stoney - Britney Spears, Dick Cheney, Ozzy Osbourne

His Daddy - Fidel Castro, Larry Hagman, Charles Durning

Dave - Charles Barkley, Hugh Hefner, Jack Nicholson

Gay Steve - Bea Arthur, Muhammed Ali, Jerry Lewis

MillieJOW - Fidel Castro, Joe Paterno, Dick Clark

Kellie - Amy Winehouse, Sean Connery, Paul Newman

J - Dick Clark, Pervez Musharraf, Ariel Sharon

Roger - Britney Spears, Sean Connery, Charlton Heston

Guy - Amy Winehouse, Sen. Claiborne Pell, Charlton Heston

Kermit - Andy Griffith, Johnny Pesky, Zsa Zsa Gabor

Which three celebrities would you pick?

He’s close to 60, but he’s as lethal as ever!

We recently met up with legendary mercenary B.A. “Bad Attitude” Baracus at the military prison at Fort Leavenworth, Kansas. During the 1980’s, Mr. Baracus was famous for his exploits with a mercenary group know as the “A-Team.” Now in his late 50’s, Mr. Baracus reflects upon his experiences and life with us in this exclusive interview.

HD: Mr. Baracus, I want to thank you for this opportunity. Should I call you Mr. Baracus?

BA: Call me BA, fool! Nothin’ changed but the bars that only temporarily hold this enlightened being down.

HD: So you’ve found God?

BA: God never abandoned me, fool! I’m englightened because I love my momma! Only a fool won’t admit he loves his momma! My love is going to break these bars, and I will be free again.

HD: Let’s cut to the chase, do you miss all the gold chains you used to wear?

BA: My slave chains? Do I miss having chains around my neck like my forefathers? No, I don’t miss the chains I see around me every day. Look around you, fool! Those bars are links that make up the biggest chain this enlightened man ever saw! There’s no difference between gold chains and gray bars, sucka! I wasn’t free when I wore gold chains. How did you miss that symbolism?

HD: Well, to be fair, I was a kid. I thought following your weekly exploits was fun.

BA: Really? I had fools shooting at me. I had fools blowing up my ass. I had fools knocking me out with pipe wrenches to force me to fly on airplanes. Yeah, I guess you could say it was Shangri-La! How did I miss that?

HD: It didn’t come across that way on television so much as…

BA: Oh, I’m sorry! Real life wasn’t pretty enough for you? Did you vote for Barbie for president? Do you live in Smurf Village? Did I burn down your Candy Cane forests and Gummi Bear streams by acting too black just now?!?

HD: Well no, what I meant was…

BA: What you *meant* to say was that you ain’t HAD no idea, sucka! You get in here and get all up in this! You can’t get your BA on without ALL MY BAGS ARE PACKED, I’M READY TO GO! I’M STANDING HERE OUTSIDE YOUR DOOR! I HATE TO WAKE YOU UP TO SAY GOODBYE!

HD: …

BA: What, fool?!?

HD: Um… you just kind of scream-sung at me.

BA: Did I sing that stupid song about the jet plane?

HD: Kinda, it sounded like the beginning to “Leaving On A Jet Plane.”

BA: Forget that! That happens! Too many times fools like Hannibal and that wimp Faceman hit me on the head to get me into a plane. I’ve got brain damage from that!

HD: So you have permanent brain damage from those times?

BA: You think every brother built like a linebacker sings John Denver tunes? Are you soft?

HD: Do you speak with the other A-Teamers anymore?

BA: I get Christmas cards from Murdoch.

HD: How is he doing? He’s better now?

BA: No, fool! The fool sends them on St. Patrick’s Day! Do I look Irish to you?!?

HD: Our fans want to know about the van. What happened to the van?

BA: What do you mean? That van got ruined every week. Hannibal made me build tanks out of potatos and artillery jeeps out of Etch-a-Sketches! What do you mean THE van? We had a million vans! I had to rebuild a new one from scratch every week!

HD: But always with the same red stripe?

BA: What’s wrong with you, sucka?!? Was I supposed to use teal? When you’re using psychological warfare on your opponents are you supposed to mix around your colors?

HD: No, I’m just wondering…

BA: You just talking stupid, fool!

(part two of this interview will be published early summer, when Mr. Baracus is eligible for parole)

Small doesn’t mean harmless, and nothing is innocent when the perp knows they’re hurting somebody.

I’m not voiding any kind of man-trust in saying this. Plenty of guys out there have sisters and friends that they’ve tried to protect, and this information is freely available on the Web and in every bar you can find.

Guys who are acting like dicks for no reason are cheating.

If you’re dating some guy, and he starts treating you badly when you’ve done nothing wrong, you can be absolutely sure that your guy is banging some other chick. Maybe not having sexual intercourse, but however he defines “cheating.” If he thinks making out is cheating, he’s at least making out. If he thinks playing with boobies is cheating, he’s totally fondling boobs, and probably doing more (because what people stop at fondling boobs these days?)

Maybe he’s cheating because he wants to hurt you before you hurt him? Maybe he’s doing it because he simply can’t commit? Does it matter? When a guy has crossed that line, there’s no possible way you can ever bring him back. Just let it go. That guy, to YOU, will always be that way.

Will he always be that way? Maybe, and maybe not. But to YOU, he’ll always be capable of banging someone else. That’s the way it is with people. If you let them get away with something (guy or chick), they’ll eventually attempt to get away with it again. If you welcome back a cheater, you’re welcoming back at least one time when you’ll be cheated on again. It doesn’t matter if it’s four weeks or four years later, it’s going to happen again.

You have been warned.

General Zod, once one of the greatest archvillains in history and sworn enemy of Superman, has changed his lifestyle quite dramatically. He is now living in Australia and has a different daily routine than when he first arrived on the planet.

General Zod is now a transsexual.

We recently had the opportunity to meet with Zod at his home in Alice Springs, Australia.

HD: Thanks for taking the time to meet with us, Zod. Oh sorry, do I still call you Zod?

GZ: I still go by the name Zod, yes. And I did earn the rank of general.

HD: I’m sorry, General. Should I call you General?

GZ: Greater men have died for doing less.

HD: I see. Okay, let’s move along then. Let’s get right into it — what happened? What’s with the new look?

GZ: Nothing really ‘happened.’ Fitting in has always been a bit of a bugger. I never felt comfortable in my own skin. I was always frustrated, which led to my very short temper.

HD: Even back on Krypton?

GZ: Especially back on Krypton! Please do remember I became a powerful dictator who was eventually tried by a planetary criminal court and ejected into space in a gigantic extra-dimensional mirror.

HD: I see. Once you got your freedom, General, why did you continue your conquest?

GZ: Oh bollocks if I know. The last thing I yelled before being cast away was that I would reap destruction upon Jar-El and his family. You could say that having Kal-El so nearby simply fed my insatiable desire to lash out.

HD: Kal-El?

GZ: Your ‘Superman.’ Back where we come from, he has a regular name. ‘Kal’ is his first name. It’s very common on Krypton. It’s like Nigel or John.

HD: And Zod?

GZ: No, Zod is rather unique just about everywhere.

HD: So you attacked New York because Superman was here?

GZ: I was younger and things were different then. I was angry. It wasn’t like there was time to cool off. I was in the mirror, and then I was free, and Kal-El was there, you know? There was probably pressure from the other two.

HD: The other two?

GZ: I wasn’t alone in the prison. Ursa and Non were with me, and looking back I’m sure they could have cared less, but at the time I couldn’t have them see me not go after an El so immediately after our unexpected release. Maybe I did still harbor murderous thoughts? Maybe I didn’t? But at that moment I had to make a decision, and I decided to ruin your Superman.

HD: And how did that work out for you?

GZ: How impetuous! Not that well, obviously. But last I heard your Superman was drawing breath through a tube and using a wheelchair to get around. My sources say he isn’t the equestrian he thought he was. How is that working out for him?

HD: He’s dead.

GZ: Oh.

HD: He died of complications from his injury.

GZ: I’m terribly sorry to hear that. We don’t get regular news down here.

HD: He was paralyzed in a freak accident. Why would you even joke about that?

GZ: Well, please let’s be fair. I *am* still General Zod. I destroyed an entire planet, and did my best to destroy this one. I’ve slaughtered millions.

HD: But isn’t all that behind you now?

GZ: If I cut back from millions slaughtered to just a few slaughtered daily, would society applaud? I may be more comfortable with my womanly appearance, but I am still General Zod.

HD: Fair enough. Did you kill today?

GZ: It is barely past noon. It’s early yet.

HD: Why did you wait until your defeat on Earth to become a woman?

GZ: Being a transsexual isn’t a choice. The brain is informed of sex before the body is shaped. When I was being formed, I was programmed as a woman, and it was only my horror to discover at my birth that I had been shaped incorrectly. I am every part woman, only placed into man parts.

HD: You have big boobs.

GZ: I have *great* boobs. [removes top]

HD: You have *great* boobs!

GZ: Thank you. [dresses top]

HD: So what’s in the future for General Zod?

GZ: Honestly, I don’t know. I’m comfortable here. I belong here. It’s like the Wild West of America, and I’m some brazen hussy carving her own trail to her own ten cubits, you know? I’m free to explore and reach out. I’d like to think that my future is something I couldn’t imagine now.

HD: Any chance you’d want to expand past Australia and take over the world again?

GZ: Goodness no! Think of the bother! These days I get to dance and sleep late and enjoy the social life at night. Ruling a world requires all of your time, and you never get a moment’s peace. I’m quite fond of Australia.

HD: General Zod, one last question. If you could be one letter of the alphabet, which would you be?

GZ: I would be a capital letter F. When turned upside down, F becomes infinitely more stable, has just as many places to fit things, and becomes a bit more sharp at the top.

Finally, the structure, she is back.

Content shall be forthcoming. I’m going through any old posts to see if I want to keep any of them. There should be new stuff tonight.