We recently met up with legendary mercenary B.A. “Bad Attitude” Baracus at the military prison at Fort Leavenworth, Kansas. During the 1980’s, Mr. Baracus was famous for his exploits with a mercenary group know as the “A-Team.” Now in his late 50’s, Mr. Baracus reflects upon his experiences and life with us in this exclusive interview.
HD: Mr. Baracus, I want to thank you for this opportunity. Should I call you Mr. Baracus?
BA: Call me BA, fool! Nothin’ changed but the bars that only temporarily hold this enlightened being down.
HD: So you’ve found God?
BA: God never abandoned me, fool! I’m englightened because I love my momma! Only a fool won’t admit he loves his momma! My love is going to break these bars, and I will be free again.
HD: Let’s cut to the chase, do you miss all the gold chains you used to wear?
BA: My slave chains? Do I miss having chains around my neck like my forefathers? No, I don’t miss the chains I see around me every day. Look around you, fool! Those bars are links that make up the biggest chain this enlightened man ever saw! There’s no difference between gold chains and gray bars, sucka! I wasn’t free when I wore gold chains. How did you miss that symbolism?
HD: Well, to be fair, I was a kid. I thought following your weekly exploits was fun.
BA: Really? I had fools shooting at me. I had fools blowing up my ass. I had fools knocking me out with pipe wrenches to force me to fly on airplanes. Yeah, I guess you could say it was Shangri-La! How did I miss that?
HD: It didn’t come across that way on television so much as…
BA: Oh, I’m sorry! Real life wasn’t pretty enough for you? Did you vote for Barbie for president? Do you live in Smurf Village? Did I burn down your Candy Cane forests and Gummi Bear streams by acting too black just now?!?
HD: Well no, what I meant was…
BA: What you *meant* to say was that you ain’t HAD no idea, sucka! You get in here and get all up in this! You can’t get your BA on without ALL MY BAGS ARE PACKED, I’M READY TO GO! I’M STANDING HERE OUTSIDE YOUR DOOR! I HATE TO WAKE YOU UP TO SAY GOODBYE!
HD: …
BA: What, fool?!?
HD: Um… you just kind of scream-sung at me.
BA: Did I sing that stupid song about the jet plane?
HD: Kinda, it sounded like the beginning to “Leaving On A Jet Plane.”
BA: Forget that! That happens! Too many times fools like Hannibal and that wimp Faceman hit me on the head to get me into a plane. I’ve got brain damage from that!
HD: So you have permanent brain damage from those times?
BA: You think every brother built like a linebacker sings John Denver tunes? Are you soft?
HD: Do you speak with the other A-Teamers anymore?
BA: I get Christmas cards from Murdoch.
HD: How is he doing? He’s better now?
BA: No, fool! The fool sends them on St. Patrick’s Day! Do I look Irish to you?!?
HD: Our fans want to know about the van. What happened to the van?
BA: What do you mean? That van got ruined every week. Hannibal made me build tanks out of potatos and artillery jeeps out of Etch-a-Sketches! What do you mean THE van? We had a million vans! I had to rebuild a new one from scratch every week!
HD: But always with the same red stripe?
BA: What’s wrong with you, sucka?!? Was I supposed to use teal? When you’re using psychological warfare on your opponents are you supposed to mix around your colors?
HD: No, I’m just wondering…
BA: You just talking stupid, fool!
(part two of this interview will be published early summer, when Mr. Baracus is eligible for parole)
