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19 April 2010 - 16:23An Interview With The Hovitos Chief

Chief Hochohovito, circa 1936

Chief Jimpaba Hochohovito was the man who ruled the Hovitos tribe of Peru for over fifty years.  He saw many changes to the Peruvian jungle, and countless archaeologists attempt to steal the treasures of his empire.

One particular incident that irks him to this day is the clumsy and destructive raid on a Chachapoyan temple by Dr. Henry “Indiana” Jones, Jr. back in 1936.  We asked Chief Hochohovito if he would discuss with us his experiences as a Hovitos chief, and in particular that fateful day when Dr. Jones visited his neighborhood.

HD:  Chief Hochohovito, thank you so much for meeting with us.

CH:  Please, call me Jimmy.

HD:  Jimmy?  I must admit Chief, your English is incredible.  You have a perfect American accent.

Dr. Henry Walton “Indiana” Jones, Jr., undated file photo

CH:  Well I did go to college in Ohio.  I’m a Buckeye, you know.

HD:  No kidding?  A Buckeye?

CH:  My father insisted that my brothers and I get a good education.  It’s hard to be the chief of a jungle civilization if you don’t understand finance and contracts.  You know, all those logging rights and government grants?  Tons of annoying paperwork and if you just miss dotting one I or crossing one T suddenly you’ve got a thousand people without electricity, you know?

HD:  Electricity?

CH:  What?  Because I wear a loincloth I can’t use an electric mixer?

HD:  Well no, I just figured being this far out from civilization…

CH:  I get to fish every day, the air is clean, I see probably a thousand times more stars than you do at night, and we have a zero percent crime rate here in the jungle.  Can you top that, sir?

HD:  No.  No actually, I can’t.

CH:  So there you go.

HD:  This is definitely enlightening and I appreciate your candor, Chief Hochoho…

CH:  Please, Jimmy.  Just Jimmy.

HD:  Yes, sorry Jimmy.  Before I forget, let’s talk about Indiana Jones.

CH:  “Indiana” Jones?  That son of a bitch, really?  His name is Henry for Christ’s sake!  He’s a Hank!  Pretty sure he wasn’t even born in Indiana.  Besides, what the fuck is Indiana romantic for?  Goldfish?  You know the first goldfish farm in the world was started in Indiana, right?  Raiders of the Lost Goldfish.  Yeah, really macho.

HD:  Dr. Jones was born in New Jersey, I guess.  His dad was a professor at Princeton at the time and…

CH:  RAIDERS OF THE LOST GOLDFISH!  Christ.  Indiana Jones and the Hoosiers of Doom?  Don’t get me started.

HD:  Okay, so tell me about the day he explored the Chacha… how do I say this?

CH:  The day he desecrated the Chachapoyan Temple, you mean?

HD:  Yes, the Chachapoyan Temple.

CH:  Is was a really fucking hot morning.  My oldest kid was puking every ten minutes from some bad milk and the hut reeked.  Ever sit in a hut when it’s like 120 degrees out and the floor is coated in puke?  It’s nasty.

HD:  Sounds disgusting.

The Chachapoyan fertility idol

CH:  It was disgusting.  Needless to say, I feel bad for the little kid, but I’m grumpy.  Then one of my warriors by the name of Xomec comes to the door and tells me three guys are slashing through the jungle and they’re going to try to steal our fertility idol from the temple.  Can you believe that?

HD:  Well, I did see the movie.

CH:  The movie.  Fuck me.  Makes Jones look like a hero.  If I broke into your house and rolled your television down your stairs smashing everything to bits would I be a fucking hero?  Answer me that.

HD:  Well, no.

CH:  Precisely.

[Chief Hochohovitos takes a long drag from his cigarette and sighs.]

CH:  So I now have to find a babysitter for my kid, which is pretty near impossible in such a subsistence economy, you know?  But I get one and get my spear and call up my warriors and now we’ve gotta go trudging through the jungle to find these idiots and send them home.  In the meantime, this Frenchman by the name of Belloq is in our village on a research grant and he says he’ll come with in case they don’t speak English.

HD:  Rene Belloq?!?

CH:  Yeah, I know.  Don’t get me started.  But yes, that Belloq.  So we saddle up and march off into the jungle.  Just as we get to the temple door one of the guys standing there wheels around on me with a rifle.  Before I can say anything he aims at me and my guys fire like a billion arrows and blowdarts into his back to protect me.  We’re not there five seconds and already we’ve got an international incident, you know?

HD:  Wow.

The temple’s protective boulder rolling into place just behind Dr. Jones.

CH:  I tell all my guys to hold their horses because we don’t need anymore bloodshed at this point.  Just as I’m saying that, we all feel this powerful rumbling, and instantly I feel like I’m going to throw up.

HD:  Did you get hit with a blowdart?

CH:  No, nothing like that.  I knew immediately what the rumbling was, and now the shit’s hit the fan.  It meant that one of the idiots inside took the idol and triggered this defense mechanism which is immediately going to trash the temple and seal it off with this huge boulder.

HD:  Oh, right.

CH:  No, you don’t get it.  That boulder was probably twenty tons, and it’s carved to just fit the entrance tunnel.  Once that rock’s in place we can’t enter the temple without chipping the thing into pebbles.  It took probably about fifty years to carve it.  It’s easily going to take us twice that long to break it apart to get back in the temple and clean things up.  It means the two guys inside are dead meat and now everything’s gone all to shit.

[Chief Hochohovitos finishes his cigarette and taps the table between us.]

HD:  But Jones got out.

CH:  Of course he got out.  It’s like he can’t die or something.  Guy’s an asshole and an idiot and he survives falling out of a plane with a fucking rubber raft, and survives a nuclear explosion by hiding in a Frigidaire.  Meanwhile, my kid drinks bad milk and fills my floor with puke.  I don’t know what the fuck I did that Karma gives Jones a handjob while it punches me in the pants.

HD:  I thought Belloq hired you to help him steal the idol?

CH:  Belloq?  Oh hell no.  Jones could have had the idol on loan if he just asked for it politely!  For centuries my people had to go into that temple every day to polish that statue.  Ever see the size of the spiders in that place?!?  We walk barefoot, you know.  Nobody likes walking barefoot through caverns filled with cat-sized spiders, my friend.  We’d have loved to have loaned the idol to him for a while.  Would have been a nice break for us, and maybe generated some nice scratch to pay for a new generator or maybe some aluminum canoes.

Dr. Jones did actually survive a fall using a rubber raft.

HD:  But didn’t Belloq steal the idol?

CH:  No, not at all.  In fact, he had no idea the idol was there.  As soon as he saw it he figured he’d get even bigger grants if he brought it back to Europe so we penned a deal that let the Louvre Museum borrow it for twenty years for about a thousand francs a year.  It was a sweet deal and everybody made out well.

HD:  Except Jones.

CH:  Fuck Jones!  He trashed the temple and just before I could talk to him he bolts off into the jungle!  My guys chased him to the river but he had a plane waiting for him and he took off.  No “I’m sorry” or offer to clean up or anything.  Total dick move.

HD:  What happened then?

CH:  What do you mean?  What was I going to do, hike off across my country and go a few thousand miles to sue the guy?  He wasn’t coming back anytime soon and legally we were up Shit’s Creek.  It’s not like the United States trembled under the wrath of the Peruvian legal system back in the 30′s you know?

HD:  I’m sorry to hear that.

CH:  Yeah, well me too.  Anyway, we finally got the rock chipped out a few years ago and the place is back in shape.  The idol’s back inside but you know how many visitors we get each year?

HD:  No idea.

CH:  None.  All that bullshit we went through and the thing generates not even one dollar in tourism every year.  That whole project cost us a fortune and for what?  Nada.

[Chief Hochohovitos is currently on a tour promoting his new book, "Jimmy: The Life of a Jungle Chief," and is in discussions with Warner Brothers to create a movie about his life.]

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